**Trigger Warning** This post mentions of suicidal thoughts/ideation, as some may find it disturbing. If you or someone you know is suicidal, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or message the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
After several weeks of careless hygiene, not washing my hands and touching my face, I've finally caught a cold... At least I hope it's just that.
Since 2020, the Covid virus has been running ramped. Many people across the country have been vaccinated, including myself. Even though it is no longer officially a pandemic, it still continues to evolve into a new strand. At least according to new reports that I overhear my mom mentioning to our co-worker.
It has been 4 years since I've last gotten sick, much less with a cold. I've done all that I could to keep any viruses and germs at bay since Covid-19 entered the States. Now, I've had full intention of getting sick, just to have a legitimate excuse to get out of work.
Several months ago, I've wanted to resign from my current job and allowed myself ample time to earn extra money from a side business. Six months later, I've failed. I've set a date to submit my 2-weeks notice and that day has come and gone, and I've never made a cent. Discouraged and out of my mind, I've vowed to get myself sick, one way or another, just to get off from work. In the meantime, I'll take building my entrepreneurial career more seriously.
I've never enjoyed having a job. However, it severely impacted my mental state and spirit in 2016, while I was working as an administrative assistant for an insurance company. I remember sitting in my tiny cubicle, staring at my computer screen for heaven knows how long, smiling at the darkest thought of my legs dangling over the floor.
Freedom from this retched work-life in a semi-violent way brought me peace of mind at the moment. Perhaps, that was an out-of-body experience for those with mental illness go through sometimes. I was not myself that day.
I've always wanted to make a living doing what I love. But, until that day, I've never would have imagined how much, deep down to the core, I despise working for someone else.
It was late June, early Thursday morning, I was still in bed and texted my boss and supervisor (also my mom), that I've caught a cold and if it were ok to still come in wearing a mask. Before I tell you what happened next, it's important for me to say that last year, my boss had informed me that mental-health days are not recognized as sick-days and will not be used to take off from work as such. Disappointed, I still took that to heart. Unfortunately, my intentions backfired: my supervisor responded by stating she had also caught a cold but will meet me at the office.
So, catching a cold was fruitless. On the way to work, I've tried to think of ways to get food-poisoning, as Plan B. One way is to eat cooked food that has not been re-warmed properly. So, for lunch, I've enjoyed a semi-frozen Jamaican beef patty. Two hours later, no side-effects, yet.
While I was enjoying my frozen breakfast earlier the same day, I overheard my supervisor and co-worker discussing cases of yet a new strand of the Covid virus in our State. Now, I'm concerned with second thoughts about getting sick. Since I've had a breakthrough from therapy a few months ago, my general outlook on life has been more positive than it ever has been in my entire life. My desire to die has lessened but has not dissipated completely. All I wish is to take an extra day off work, at the very least! I don't want the possibility of dying over it.
A week later, I tested positive for Covid. I've never taken a day off. Instead, I was told to work from home until I recovered. Was it worth it? No. Was I hospitalized? Thank God for vaccines and booster shots. For legal purposes, I have not been out in public during this time to potentially spread the virus. I've stayed quarantined at home for 8 days until I tested negative the following Sunday. Of course, I've returned to work at the place I call Hell the next day.
Lesson: Don't bother requesting a "sick-day", heaven forbid a "mental-health day" off from work, even if you are legitimately sick. Your boss will likely still have you working, regardless. Instead, take advantage of Vacation days. On my next personal blog, I'll share with you how getting away may actually do wonders for your mental state and overall well-being.
A couple of years ago, during my first week at my current job, I've vowed that this will be the last time I'll ever work for someone else. And, if I so happen to lose this job without additional income to cushion the fall, my life will end. Then again, I tell myself that at least once every blue moon. Only time will tell and I hope to share with you the moment I've achieved the freedom of working for myself.
Thank you for reading and take care.
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